Image above courtesy of Robot Butt.
The holiday season is upon us, and we at Dillard & Humm Fruitcake Factory are bringing more of the same the yuletide cheer with less pig dick this holiday season.
So aside from wondering, “Why is there pig dick in this to begin with?” or “I’d rather have no pig dick in this,” we know what you’re thinking: What’s next for Dillard & Humm Fruitcake Factory’s delicious fruitcakes?
Well, we can barely keep our secret under wraps when it comes to winning the war for your appetite, but we want to explain the “straw that broke the pig’s dick” in terms of ingredient use and why this season’s fruitcakes are much more special now than years past.
In the beginning, it was never considered that our open utilization of molten pig dick as a bonding ingredient would stir some controversy. In addition to this, we never put into perspective that the average fruitcake is often re-gifted forever due to its historically less than favorable public image. For example:
- Yes, a fruitcake gift was allegedly turned down by President George Washington.
- Yes, some fruitcakes have the same ratio of density as mahogany.
- Yes, there is a museum that features a 100-year-old fruitcake as an attraction.
- Yes, public figures such as Johnny Carson and Jay Leno made the average fruitcake a punchline on late-night television.
Simply put: These facts and figures came from fruitcakes that didn’t contain pig dick, which likely made our product an incredibly hard (no pun intended) sell at launch.
So after a few brainstorming sessions, we came to the conclusion that using less pig dick in our product might be a good idea. Then we considered the hardships that the average fruitcake endures and realized that focusing on our image should be a main priority. We needed to think of a food product that is not only a staple in American culture, but contains some (if not more) questionable ingredients and follow that business model to the bank. Thankfully, the answer was right under our noses.
What food do you grill in the summer? What food do you associate with sporting events? What food are you consuming with burgers and booze when you honor veterans? What food contains random animal meat, muscle, organs, and is held together with pig intestine? Hot dogs. Hot dogs, hot dogs, hot dogs.
Now we are by no means throwing hot dogs under the bus because of their ingredients, but holy pig dick do they hold a steady market… and our fruitcakes deserve some of that glory for the winter holiday season.
So furthermore, we at Dillard & Humm Fruitcake Factory are looking to follow in their footsteps and become a hit at the jolliest time of the year. Yeah, we’ll scale back on some of the pig dick, but we’ll be throwing in ingredients so bizarre and exotic that you’ll never forget us. Sure, there’ll be some fruit in a cake. But have you ever eaten monkey fingers? Shark fin? Snake teeth?
That’s right, we’re going in that direction when it comes to our new secret ingredients. If it works for hot dogs, it’s going to work for us. Expect the unexpected when it comes to Dillard & Humm Fruitcake Factory fruitcakes. Sure, biting into a slice of fruitcake with a cherry in it might be great, but biting into a slice of fruitcake with a grizzly bear anus baked inside is even better.