If I Had A Complete Series Of ‘Martin’ For Every Russian Collusion Indictment, I’d Have 4,620 Episodes Of ‘Martin’


Before we begin, I must admit that this is a data-driven series with a pro-Martin spin. If anything, I’m upset that there have only been thirty-five indictments and not over 7,575 indictments in the investigation into Russian collusion during the 2016 presidential election. Why? Because I would then have over a million episodes of Martin, thus making me a “Martinaire.”

So at this very moment, the Russian collusion case has thirty-five indictments (that’s thirty-four fewer indictments than Watergate), which is ninety-seven fewer than the current amount of existing Martin episodes (which is 132). Let’s crunch some data and see what what we come up with.

International Affairs

After a series of emails, Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian government-connected lawyer named Natalia Veselnitskaya at Trump Tower in June 2016. Although they met to discuss information that might have been “helpful to the campaign,” Don Jr. claimed that Ms. Veselnitskaya only wanted to discuss the Magnitsky Act and the adoption of Russian children during their meeting.

Contrary to belief, Martin Lawrence was born in Frankfurt, Germany. Although Martin’s parents were serving in the military at the time of his birth and he would’ve been granted access into the U.S., could you imagine a United States without Martin? In addition to no hit television show, Bad Boys would’ve been singular because Martin Lawrence was living in Germany. Just imagine the tagline:

“This summer, Will Smith is A BAD BOY”

Thankfully, Martin pursued comedy as a career in the United States so Bad Boys could be plural (they’re perfect together) and Will Smith didn’t have to be in a movie with an aggressively stupid name.

Two Powerful Men

Both Robert Mueller and Martin have important roles in their respective occupations: Robert Muller is leading the investigation into Russian collusion; Martin is host of the fictional Detroit-based public access show Word on the Street. Mueller’s occupation investigates criminal activity and federal misconduct as Martin’s public access show bridged the gap between East coast hip-hop, West coast hip-hop, and Keith Sweat.

If both men interviewed Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani regarding the Russian collusion case (whether in court or on public access), you can be assured that Giuliani would at some point make a face as if he’s attempting to fold his brain with his eyes because “the truth isn’t truth” anymore. Look, Giuliani is trying his best with his Trump material, but we all know Martin is funnier (than Rudy) when he’s attempting to bail out his friends who are desperately avoiding accountability. Also (and in comparison to Sheneneh Jenkins), Giuliani looks like garbage in drag.

One No-BS Gina

If Gina caught Martin meddling in the 2016 election via secret meetings and the utilization of outside interference to deliberately undermine the democratic voting process we have in the United States, Gina would’ve gone through the roof. She likely wouldn’t have even given Martin the chance to deny the allegations and she would’ve made him wish he had never came to the United States (from Germany) in the first place.

That’s right, no Martin and no Martin. She would’ve broken the fourth wall and disassociated herself from him completely. By the time she thinks she had removed Martin from her life, Mueller would’ve issued a warrant for her arrest in connection with Martin’s crimes. Whether she’d be charged or granted immunity is debatable, but Gina’s testimony would clarify that Martin wasn’t in fact “The Man” as stated in the season four and five intros of the Martin series.

So whether it be a half hour in Martin’s apartment or a fifteen-month-long investigation filled with collusion, lies to the FBI, money laundering, conspiracy, election law violations, obstruction of justice, and so much more, we’re looking forward to watching how this all ends. With Martin Lawrence facing a real-life ban from Saturday Night Live for crude remarks regarding female genitalia, it will be great to see what happens to the man who has tweeted much, much worse on a semi-regular basis.

Edit 11/3/18: The ‘Martin’ math was on point, but some of the indictment numbers were incorrect. The Special Counsel Investigation currently has 35 indictments (not 36) and Watergate had 69 indictments.





To view the piece on Robot Butt, feel free to click on the image below.


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