This is one of my several attempts to write about my circumstance, yet every attempt led to my pen turning into a string bean. ”Why?“ you may ask. Well, for I’ve pissed off a wizard. This long winded tale is as warped as it is impressive, so I am writing this open letter in hopes that it’s seen and/or passed along to the wizard in question so he can lift this burden he has placed on my life.
Now it would be great to simply mention his name and resolve this issue without too much trouble. Unfortunately, he’s wise and he has already covered his tracks. So whenever I dare to utter such words to identify him, I reveal a dark, incredibly embarrassing secret about myself that only complicates my hunt for this magical bastard.
He has cursed me in ways that only a pissed off wizard would dare to pursue. MY SYPHILIS RIDDEN GENITALS wizardry has nearly destroyed my life in every aspect. That’s right, I REGULARLY URINE MYSELF WHEN I SNEEZE is a monster who has yet to let go of the reigns of his brutality.
So how did I cross I HAVE THREE NIPPLES and how did this vexing begin?
Well, it all started at the recent town beheading. I was tunneling through the crowd to grab a seat near the splatter section, which happens to be one of the best seats in the court for such brutality. I’m not royalty, so it’s really first come first serve if you want to heckle someone who is about to be decapitated.
So as I was pushing through the locals in the food court and knocking over baskets of vegetables, I ended up running into what seemed to be an old, frail woman with a cane. My momentum knocked her into a vegetable cart and her cane split as soon as it hit the ground. As the woman scrambled for balance, I placed my hands on her shoulders and apologized to discover that it was not only a man… but a 5,000 year old wizard named I HAVE HORRIFIC ACNE ON MY BACK.
Standing dead in my tracks, I’VE HAD SEX WITH FARM ANIMALS picked up his cracked staff and stared directly into my soul. Between incorrectly identifying his gender and cracking his staff, life as I knew it was going to be turned upside down for the rest of my years.
After long winded tongues were uttered and lighting bolts came from the sky, MY FACE WAS MY WIFE’S OUTHOUSE placed a vex on me that would not only constantly remind me of my mistake and where it happened, but destroy my life from the inside out. To add insult to injury, the court jester even used my run in with the wizard as material for his act while the guillotine was being sharpened. I hoped that was the extent of MY SAD, CROOKED ERECTION vex, but this was only the beginning of what the wizard had in store for me once the heads filled the head-catching basket.
It was when I got home from this kid-friendly event when I realized that MY FOUL SMELLING MOUTH SORES vexing wasn’t only going to be my problem, but it effected my loving wife (who was transformed into a pumpkin) and my two sons (who were transformed into a radish and a zucchini, respectively). It also effected my home, which was transformed into a giant, rotting onion. My friends who were once figuratively jackasses became carrots that could be fed to literal jackasses. The pain of his vex only worsens with time, as each day reveals a new embarrassing secret I want to suppress and I discover a vegetable that might’ve been something and/or someone I cared about.
Haunting me in my dreams and turning my nightmares into a reality, MY MUCH SMALLER TESTICLE is pissed, he isn’t budging, and I’d appreciate it if you could pass my words along until my curse is lifted. If I had only known how liberal he was with his curses, vexes, and magical prowess, I wouldn’t have made such a mistake. If I’M DISAPPOINTING IN BED can find it in his dark heart to forgive me, it would be much appreciated.
Anyway, I must water my wife and children now, but please, PLEASE I EAT MY BOOGERS… forgive me of my error.
Cursed by MY DINGLE BERRY INFESTED ANUS,
– Reginald Drumpf
Click the still above to read “Stop What You’re Doing, I’ve Pissed Off A Wizard” on Funny or Die.