Note: This piece is satire and it isn’t real. It was created for a Second City class and it sits on this site because the past 100+ days (and thousands of tweets) have been weird regardless of where one stands on the political spectrum.
Trump Twitter Hacked: “What’s Even Left To Say?” Says Hackers
Washington, D.C. – President Donald Trump’s Twitter account was hacked late Tuesday evening with the breach and impostor tweets going unnoticed for days. “What’s even left to say?” claimed one of the hackers detained for questioning.
Although the names involved with the Trump Twitter hack have yet to be released, one of the hackers admitted “We gained access to his Twitter through his private email last week, but we had more difficulty figuring out what he hasn’t said before or creating tweets that would warrant press coverage”.
With millions of followers and a penchant for issuing threats in the wee hours of the morning, many of the tweets (created by the hacking group) were lost in late night ramblings by Mr. Trump himself. One of the impostor tweets stated:
“Nobody causes protests like I do. Only a few months in and I’m already breaking records #TrumpPence #MAGA”
“Yeah, we posted that tweet late in the evening, but it was immediately lost in an irreverent diatribe about the ratings of The Apprentice… keep in mind that this guy is our president” stated one of the hackers responsible for creating the tweet.
“Well, the host of his former show is an immigrant who has held public office in California and served in the military before moving to the states, so Trump is obviously going to post something negative about him to veil his insecurities” explained one of the hackers who is embarrassed about the time he spent closely studying Mr. Trump during the hack. The embarrassed hacker also noted that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not only younger than Trump (Schwarzenegger is 69; Trump is 70), but he has good hair, political experience, a considerably less spotty history with women, normal-sized hands, earned his millions (as opposed to inheriting them), served his country (as opposed to dodging the draft), and man who is famous for his efforts (as opposed to being infamous for his efforts). “The only thing they have in common is that they’re both Republicans, with everything else being like comparing Superman and Bizarro” noted the same hacker who also claims he is about to die from embarrassment after comparing a comic book character to the real life public figures he studied too closely.
“It’s like no bridge hasn’t been crossed, burned, confirmed, denied, forgotten, or had its p**** grabbed in terms of what he’s said on that thing” stated another hacker as he shook his head in his hands.
The Trump Twitter hacks were clever with their tweet approach as they had the understanding of what they couldn’t get away with. “If we tweeted anything that implied ‘I was wrong’ or ‘I’m sorry’, we would have been better off turning ourselves in. So as soon as we found out what we wanted to tweet and narrowed down all descriptions to three or four letter words, he had already posted contradicting opinions on his protests that made our efforts useless” stated one of the hackers. “Brainstorming for this was hell and we may have inadvertently helped him. That’s pretty much what got us all here.”
As the days went on and the tweet ideas diminished, the Trump Twitter Hackers grew more concerned about Trump himself as they investigated (and figuratively squatted) in his account. “It’s like some of the topics and opinions he tweets about seem as if someone else had already hacked his account. Like someone made his Twitter communal or left his Samsung Galaxy S3 at a subway terminal or something. At times it’s a popurrí of stark contrasts”.
Although there has been no word from the Trump administration regarding the hack, the hackers themselves are pursuing legal action since their capture. Citing Donald Trump’s Twitter as a bizarre form of cruel and unusual punishment, the hackers are seeking psychological asylum due to the aggressive hypocrisy they were exposed to on his Twitter account.
“Trump BROKE my good brain. It’s SAD” claimed one of hackers.