Almost Nude for Two-Hundred Dollars (A Reality Television Audition)

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Originally posted on the Yahoo Contributor Network in 2014

My early twenties were surrounded by a few friends who took up creative challenges to escape boredom. These feats ranged from photoshopping each other into a local paper to figuring out what we could get to air on national television. Since I had some success getting bizarre stuff on national television at the time, I eventually auditioned for a show I will call “Moving To Music With No Clothes On” which aired on a network we’ll call Fuzze.

This process started with an email and led to a phone interview a few weeks later. I let the intern in on my jokes to have an edge over any competition I would have during the screening process. One of my many jokes/lies included wearing rollerblades and stripping/dancing to Rihanna’s S.O.S song.

With surprise, I was selected to be on the show and jumped on the next bus to NYC.

Once I arrived in NYC with Mapquest information (it was 2006) and props to be juxtaposed into a costume, I went to the small Broadway studio to be greeted by a producer and an individual who had just finished dancing naked for the world. After the individual expressed at great length about how he made his dream come true, the producer notified me that the shoot was about to begin and I had to get into my costume that consisted of a fisherman’s hat, an over sized turtleneck, and tear-away pants.

Looking back, my costume looked more like a create a player from a video game or a retired mafioso from an NYU student film.

I finally entered the green screen studio and discussed with the director about what I was about to do. He was incredibly kind, as I remained completely convinced that my idea was brilliant and nobody had done it before. This assessment was due to the fact that his response wasn’t “that’s what everyone thinks they’re doing here”, but more along the lines of “let’s get this over with”.

With that being said, the ten minute shoot went like this:

  • I couldn’t remember any of my lies from the phone interview for the on camera interview, but I did put on a small, worthwhile show (after convincing myself enough when cashing the 200 dollar check.)
  • I did the lawnmower, cabbage patch, and fake cried (sans costume) during the sprinkler dance at the end.
  • I removed my pants first because nobody did that. I threw them into the air as opposed to tossing them into a nearby pile. My pants hit an overhead lighting system, which was the only other noise heard over Rihanna’s song blasting over the speakers.

In the end, months went by and my bit didn’t air because I never got naked (in addition to being a s*** show). I wore skin colored underwear that didn’t fit and it managed to be more unsettling than being simply naked.

However, the individual who made his dream come true made it to air and it was the perfect ending for everyone involved. He got naked on television for 200 dollars and I lost half of my fake naked money to a convincing bum who scammed me for a bus ticket before I left Penn Station. Congrats and well played naked dude.

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